It’s going to be hard

23 Jan

I’m fighting so hard for this that I’m forgetting it’s going to be hard.

Our home visit is scheduled for the beginning of February.  Once that is completed (assuming it goes well), our homestudy will be approved and we will attend the agency’s profile meeting.  The profile meeting goes through the agency’s requirements for our profile book and offers advice and pointers.  Finally, we will film a short video for birth parents to view.  Did I mention that all that is happening in the span of one week?  It’s also a week that I’m traveling for work.  It’s going to be a doozy.

I just keep thinking to myself that all this is hard.  It has been a lot of work.  Trying to conceive and failing is frustrating.  Learning our diagnosis and doing research into how we would build our family was difficult.  Fertility treatments were exhausting and stressful.  Losing our baby was terrifying and life-changingly awful.  Deciding on adoption and letting go of the idea of a biological child was a struggle.  Researching adoption, deciding on a type of adoption, researching and interviewing agencies was time-consuming.  Biting the bullet and filling out the application was scary and exciting.  Putting together the paperwork for our homestudy was tedious and felt like a tremendous invasion of privacy.

All of this has been hard.  Hard is an understatement.  It’s been so hard to get to this point and we don’t even have a baby.

And so I forget.

I forget it’s going to be hard to bring a baby home.  We have been married for nine years and we’ve been together for twelve.  That’s twelve years of being a couple.  Just the two of us.  That’s twelve years of living on our own, sleeping in on weekends, leaving the house whenever we wanted, staying out as long as we wanted, not making plans in advance, spending our money on frivolous things and not caring if there is food in the fridge because we can always go out.

We are going to have to adjust to not being a twosome.  We are going to have to wake up in the middle of the night.  Our lives will no longer be as carefree.  We will no longer have as much free time.  The list of how our lives will change is endless.  It is going to be hard.  I forget that just because we had a tough journey to get here, it doesn’t mean that the baby will be easy once we have one.

That terrifies me.  What if I can’t handle it?  I’m 34.  I will be 35 this year.  It’s so late in my life to make a change this big.  It’s going to be hard.  Please tell me I can do it.


34 Responses to “It’s going to be hard”

  1. Amy January 23, 2013 at 8:38 pm #

    You can do it. It WILL be hard, but you can definitely, totally, absolutely do it!

    • Anna January 23, 2013 at 9:04 pm #

      Thanks for your confidence!

      • Amy January 23, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

        Of course! I didn’t go through the adoption process, but I had a lot of the same kinds of fears when I was pregnant. It should go without saying, but living through hell on the way to parenthood certainly doesn’t mean that we will have it all figured out or have to make it look easy when we get there. I’m guessing that going through the adoption process makes the pressure to be “good at it” all the more pronounced, which is the last thing you should be subjected to.

  2. allmyprettyones January 23, 2013 at 9:38 pm #

    I know you can do it! I remember bringing home my first foster son, this little baby who projectile vomited all over me, woke me every hour, and refused to sleep lying flat the first night (and first two weeks)! I went from a single, childless girl sleeping in every day, enjoying a beer and gardening and a good book at sunset, caring only for myself, to being a full-time mom within one day… it will be exhausting and overwhelming, but you will do it because in the moment you HAVE to!

    • Anna January 23, 2013 at 10:08 pm #

      I know you are right. There are lots of things I didn’t think I could do til I had to do them!

  3. Brooke January 23, 2013 at 10:22 pm #

    It will be hard. But after everything you’ve already gone through? It won’t be THAT hard. Or it will at least be awesome enough to make up for the hard parts.

    • Anna January 24, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

      I know. I keep reminding myself it will be hard but it will be worth it.

  4. chon January 24, 2013 at 3:01 am #

    It is hard but you will be fine x

    • Anna January 24, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

      Thanks! How are you doing out there? Is it still ridiculously hot out there? Hope you are staying cool.

      • chon January 27, 2013 at 1:03 am #

        it has been hawt! but I love it 😉 yesterday was a bit cooler which was kind of nice but today has been better. we just get it all over xmas. battling bush fires in my state and we have just had tornado’s, cyclones and floods in queensland. crazy.

        • Anna January 27, 2013 at 3:57 pm #

          I know! I was watching on the news about the wildfires earlier in the month! Crazy! Glad you’re well though.

  5. Jackie January 24, 2013 at 9:09 am #

    It will be hard, but you can definitely do it. And when you are in the thick of things, remember that it is okay to feel overwhelmed, upset, angry, whatever…because having a baby is stressful! I struggled a lot in the beginning because it was hard and I couldn’t comprehend why I wasn’t SO HAPPY ALL THE TIME. I wanted a baby so bad! After the miscarriages and testing and all the crap I went through to have a baby, why couldn’t I just be happy? The guilt ate me up in the beginning. It’s normal though. Anyone would feel that way when you are sleep deprived and have no idea what you are doing. 😉

    • Anna January 24, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

      That’s my worry. I’m going to expect to be so happy and overjoyed and I will feel guilty if it’s not perfect.

  6. Amber January 24, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

    You can do it! That’s one of my worries if we decide to have another baby. I’m not sure how we’ll cope but everything can be managed!

    • Anna January 25, 2013 at 6:09 pm #

      I know. I won’t have a choice, I’ll just have to figure it out. Any change is always scary for me.

  7. Alicia January 24, 2013 at 11:24 pm #

    I know how you feel! I’m terrified too! Bob and I have been together for about the same amount of time and it’s so scary to realize our fearless twosome is about to become a threesome… holy smokes! Glad to hear there is someone else out there who feels like me. 🙂

    • Anna January 25, 2013 at 6:09 pm #

      Hopefully we can figure it out together! 🙂

      • Alicia February 12, 2013 at 10:47 am #

        Yes! I just reread this post and was going to comment – telling you how scared I am, haha. then I realized I’d commented already on this post – this post absolutely resonates with me 100%.

        I keep telling myself – cavemen had babies and they made it. I can do this too… right?

        • Anna February 12, 2013 at 12:48 pm #

          Yes! We can definitely do it!!

  8. Feit Can Write January 25, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

    Here’s how my day started yesterday: went to get my 10 month old son up and ready for daycare. As we sit down in the chair to have his bottle, I notice that he had a gnarly blowout from chest to ankle. We get up and I give him a quick bath, knowing that my morning routine is shot.

    After I finishing washing yellowy-green poo bits off of his body, I get him dressed in a very cute outfit. We sit down and he drinks his bottle. Near the end, he sits up and a gusher of formula, snot, and other nasty comes spewing out all over him and me. My wife cleans him up while I change everything I’m wearing, except for my socks, and try to clean up his chair.

    Meanwhile, my four year old is not listening, not getting dressed, not brushing her teeth, and generally doing whatever she darn well pleases, even though we’re running super late.

    Four years ago, the thought of a morning like this would have terrified me, and made me question why the hell we were dealing with all of the adoption paperwork. But now? I’m too busy feeling bad for my sick little guy and grinning at the similarities between my stubborn daughter and her adoptive mommy that I don’t feel scared.

    In short, once you get into it, the fear goes away and you just do it – because you’re a natural at it. How do I know you’re a natural too? I can tell.

    • Feit Can Write January 25, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

      And if that does not help, take a few minutes to look at this post: as another adoptive mom reflects on where she (and her family) were a year ago before her amazingly handsome son came home.

      Warning – you’ll want 2-3 tissues for the video.

      • Anna January 25, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

        Thanks for the encouragement! And that video was awesome.

  9. wymsel January 27, 2013 at 3:43 am #

    You can absolutely do this. I know my experience isn’t everyone’s but life after adoption was so much easier than life during the adoption. It’s stressful but it’s a different type of stress. It’s a do-able stress. You’re in control again – that baby needs a diaper change and you do it – bam. None of this waiting, waiting, wondering if you can get your hopes up or not, waiting, waiting. For me the physical stress is just much easier to handle than the emotional stress. And for the record I’m about your age and we’d been married almost nine years when baby came home.

    • Anna January 27, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

      That’s true and a good point I didn’t think of. At least I will have control over the situation rather than the limbo I feel I live in now!

  10. Robin January 27, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

    Anna, are you crazy? You have been through SO much to get to this point. If you can handle all of that, you can sure as hell handle bringing a sweet baby into your home. You’re going to love it…and sometimes it will be hard, but you’ll think back to all the other shit that you’ve gone through that was even harder and you’ll pull through. I know you can do it!

    • Anna January 27, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

      Thanks for the support!!

  11. Alissa January 28, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

    This IS going to be hard. I never imagined how hard having a baby to take care of, day in and day out, would be. It’s been immensely challenging. I am glad you are at least thinking about it though. SO many couples go through the struggle of changing their lives around overnight for an infant and they make it through. That is what keeps me sane. If all of them can do it, so can I. I am happy to see you are so close to that list and potentially finding your take-home child. Hang in there and let us know how the homestudy goes!

    • Anna January 29, 2013 at 9:24 pm #

      Thanks, I will keep you posted. And for it’s worth, I think you’re doing great!

  12. Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse January 29, 2013 at 12:03 pm #

    Of course it will be hard. You recognize that now, and that’s the first step to preparing yourself for it. But you have enough “hard” to get through until that kind of hard arrives – one step at a time. Focus on that, and this very important week ahead. Good luck with what’s left of this part of the process!

    • Anna January 29, 2013 at 9:25 pm #

      Thank you. You’re right. I need to stop thinking too far ahead and focus on the task at hand.

  13. Gail K February 1, 2013 at 12:26 pm #

    OMG (and I really hate that saying, but it totally fits) – You have said everything that I am feeling. I am also infertile, just turned 35 and have been married 12 years (together 15) and we are looking into adoption as well. So many similarities in our lives, yet unlike you, we haven’t actually made the jump into adoption yet because of all the worries and fears you addressed here. I’ve seen many friends and family members go through the struggles of becoming new moms and I just don’t know if I am strong enough to handle all that. What if I regret it? What if I I wish I had my old life back? Once you get a child, you can’t just give them back. I totally know that there will be horrible days and that motherhood is not just rainbows and unicorns. I guess I just need confirmation that at the end of all this, it will be worth it.

    • Anna February 5, 2013 at 6:02 pm #

      It will be worth it. I think, I hope. I just feel like once I get to that point, I won’t be allowed to complain because I wanted this so bad even though it’s going to be super hard. But I guess lots of things in life are hard and I do them anyway.

  14. Honey B. February 10, 2013 at 10:31 am #

    My most favorite quote:

    “Of course its hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.”

    Its from the movie a League of Their Own, and it is on the wall in my office because I love it so much – its hard, because its worth it.

    • Anna February 10, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

      I love that quote too! Good reminder.

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