Understanding

24 Apr

People don’t understand.  Even the people who are supposed to understand don’t really get it. At my infertility support group, I mentioned that it upset me when people tell me that my infertility and the loss of my baby is God’s will.

Someone (who obviously has more faith than I do) told a story.  He said that his wife felt that she was being punished with their fertility problems.  They have male factor issues (which we also had).  He told her that God wasn’t punishing her.  God was helping him.  Without her, he wouldn’t be able to have a baby but he was blessed with a wife that was willing to use a donor and get pregnant and make him a father.

Poetic, right?  Very, very sweet. I’m not denying that.  My heart would have melted in a puddle if my husband had told me that.  In fact, my heart did.

One day when I was worried about the fact that we were using donor sperm and panicking about whether our baby would look like my husband and whether we should have chosen adoption over pregnancy with a donor, my husband gave me a poetic moment.  He told me that when we got married, the priest told us that we were now two becoming one.  So, if this baby was half of me, it was really half of him too.  No matter who the biological father was.  Melted into a puddle.

However, this person at support group then continued. He said that perhaps, this is what God was doing for me.  He said there is a baby out there waiting to be adopted by us and that baby is meant for us and that is why all this happened.  Poetic?? I don’t think so.

It’s not so poetic when you think about the fact that it means that God forced me to end my pregnancy because I was about to die just to lead me to a baby that is waiting there for me.  Couldn’t I have had both babies?  The timing could have worked.  I could have had my boy and then adopted this baby that is waiting out there.  Did my baby really have to die? Could that really be God’s will?  Is there really “a reason” for that to happen?

I feel like God’s will is easier to understand when you’re not the one wondering why God allowed your baby to die.

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25 Responses to “Understanding”

  1. Kristina April 24, 2013 at 9:00 pm #

    I too have not been able to conceive but also was denied adoption because of husbands health and age. I just want to put my two cents in. I don’t believe it is God’s will for anything to die. He came to earth to die so we could have life. God is pure love but he is also just and holy. The more I walk with him and study his word the more I understand him but I know I can never completely understand him because he is God and I am not. There is an excellent book called When God Disappoints by Philip Yancey. He puts this issue in a more clear way than I can.

    Thanks for your blog and God bless

    • Anna April 24, 2013 at 9:02 pm #

      Thank you for your comment. I am (obviously from my post) struggling with my faith a good deal lately. it gives me to hope to see others who are so strong in theirs.

  2. allmyprettyones April 24, 2013 at 9:25 pm #

    Yes, I completely understand. I hate when people say, “See? Everything happens for a reason!” It’s true that I am blessed with a precious foster daughter right now, and it’s true that I would not have been fostering if my daughter had lived, but it’s still not a good enough reason for God to “let” my baby die. Why not just not allow me to get pregnant in the first place? I would then have been fostering and Jo Jo would still have come to me. Why make a precious life just to let it die? No, I don’t think God would do that. Babies die, sometimes. Life is that fragile. Humans are fragile. Reproduction is dangerous (for women, and babies). That’s just the way life on planet earth is. I’m lucky to have little Jo Jo, but it’s not WHY my baby died. There is no reason good enough for that.

    • Anna April 26, 2013 at 4:48 pm #

      I agree. Humans are fragile. That’s just how I have to think of it. Thank you…

  3. FCblacksheep April 24, 2013 at 9:25 pm #

    I cannot believe God has a hand in who is a parent and who is not. If I did, then I would never be able to get over the fact that people like my ex stepdad can conceive yet you couldn’t keep your baby. It is not God’s will. It is life and nature. God is who helps us get over these tragedies and keep faith alive.

    • Anna April 26, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

      Yeah, that is what I can’t get over. Some people who have children don’t even care about them and do awful things to them. I can’t understand that to be God’s will.

  4. SM April 24, 2013 at 9:34 pm #

    I don’t think God took your baby away. I had someone tell me that once too, right after my first miscarriage. I will never believe that God did that. I don’t believe in a God that kills babies because of the “bigger picture”. Bad things happen and I believe that God is the one who keeps us going. I struggle with my (lack of) faith daily too. It’s a part of living through horrible things I guess.

    • Anna April 26, 2013 at 4:58 pm #

      I think that’s what frustrates me so much. The idea that these people think they have an idea of some “bigger picture” that I can’t appreciate.

  5. Wannabemom April 24, 2013 at 10:15 pm #

    People who say it’s “god’s will” are looking for an explanation for bad shit happening. It doesn’t fit with their beliefs, so they have to make it make sense. I also think infertility and baby loss are completely different. Just because you experience one, does not mean you understand the other. I could find a silver lining to my infertility if I tried very hard to, or at least find ways that it’s made me a stronger, better person. I can’t find one single reason why I would get pregnant only to lose my beautiful, perfect daughter. It’s not any religious entity’s “will”… it just bad shit.

    • Anna April 26, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

      Agreed. There is no reason that makes sense to anyone for that to happen to anyone. I can’t imagine a God who would want that.

  6. Alicia April 25, 2013 at 12:21 am #

    This makes me feel very sad. This is not God’s will, for fuck’s sake. This is a biological nightmare. I feel very weird about the way that went down… I don’t even know how you would/could respond to that guy. Ick.

    • Alicia April 25, 2013 at 12:40 am #

      Sorry for the potty mouth. These notions of child loss, infertility and God’s will frustrate me to no end. God did not will this to happen Anna – it is an unfortunate circumstance to which there is no “reason.”

      • Anna April 26, 2013 at 5:05 pm #

        Oh, you definitely don’t need to apologize for potty mouth around here! My response was very non-committal but basically I cut him off from saying any more.

  7. Lisa April 25, 2013 at 9:37 am #

    I relate to this post SO much. Since my son died, I have faith issues. I don’t even know if I believe in God. I hate when people make excuses. I don’t have to endure the fertility issues, and so people also say ‘well at least you know you can get pregnant and carry a baby to full term’ – yes that is so reassuring to know…that you can carry a baby to full term and still have him die at 3 days old.

    Sending hugs. Everyone will have a different way of looking at things, even people going through similar experiences. xx

    • Anna April 26, 2013 at 5:12 pm #

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to keep your faith when things like this happen.

  8. eighteenyears April 25, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

    I’m not a religious person, but I hate this idea that God MAKES bad things too. There’s a funny somee-card out there that says, “When you say everything happens for a reason, don’t be surprised when I slap you in the face. It happened for a reason.” Ha.

    • Anna April 26, 2013 at 5:13 pm #

      I love that! I need to send some people that card!

  9. Robin April 27, 2013 at 9:23 am #

    First, I would love to put one of my sweet friends in touch with you. She lives in Norway, but is also struggling with infertility and using donor sperm, something that she is really having a hard time with. You two might actually have a lot to talk about.

    Second, something very similar to this happened to me once. I was taking a Yoga for Fertility class just a few months ago, and at the end of every class, we had time to share. My instructor had just given us her heartbreaking story and ended saying that her faith really helped her to get through everything. So, then I questioned if she was raised with this same faith (she was sexually abused as a child), and how if that was the case, she could still believe that she was meant to go through all of this, etc. Anyway, the point is (I’m bad at storytelling, sorry) that I said that I was really struggling with my faith because I could not believe nor ever understand a God who would let my baby die. In response to that, another girl spoke up and said that she had just gone through a miscarriage and her faith had gotten even stronger because she believed that God needed her to go through that to truly appreciate the baby she was meant to have. And she had faith that it would all work out.

    But, here’s the thing…I’ve had a miscarriage, and I’ve had a baby die at 4 days old. It’s not the same thing. It’s just not. Plus, after my miscarriage I still had hope that I could go on to have a healthy pregnancy and a living child. Then I had preeclampsia and HELLP. Which, you and I both know doesn’t leave you with a very good feeling about future pregnancies.

    I just think that all circumstances are different. I think you have every right to question why God would take your baby away, and I truly don’t believe there will ever be a good reason. I want to punch people who say that to me.

    • Anna April 30, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

      Absolutely give your friend my contact info or link to my blog. I think it’s impossible not to question these things when they happen. And I wonder where the people get their faith that they see that this must be part of some bigger picture.

  10. wymsel April 27, 2013 at 11:47 am #

    If someone finds comfort in that belief themselves that’s one thing. But I feel like to tell another person that about *their* loss is so presumptuous and insensitive. And I personally don’t believe that God would do that. I’m so sorry someone said that to you.

    • Anna April 30, 2013 at 6:09 pm #

      Exactly. It’s like them telling me that they understand my loss in a way I don’t. When it’s MY loss and MY experience.

  11. Amy April 27, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

    I gave up on god and religious faith not too long before my first miscarriage. There have certainly been times I wished I could still believe, but the truth is I never truly did. Still, I HATE those kinds of comments/lectures/head-pattings. HATE. Because even if there is some supreme being willing some things to happen and disallowing others, who the fuck is the person telling you this shit (not even apologizing for this potty mouth) to be telling you what god wills or doesn’t?? How would he know? I think that it’s usually said to comfort the one saying it, because they are uncomfortable (which I think is entirely possible even within a support group setting, sadly) or unwilling to acknowledge the enormity and validity of your feelings. There doesn’t need to be some divine reason (supposed god’s supposed will) for you to have suffered such a loss, and trying to give you some magical non-logic “reason” why you should somehow be okay with it doesn’t help you, full stop.

    Granted, there isn’t a lot of poetic comfort that’s obvious in an atheistic viewpoint, and I would never try to dissuade a person from belief if he or she did find true comfort in their faith, because that can be of enormous value. But for me, I eventually found some comfort in the idea that, while I was sometimes desperate and miserable and longing for a reason for why I was going through all of it, at least the question of whether I somehow “deserved” it or was being punished for something was removed. That is the last thing someone in your position needs to hear, even if you don’t think it yourself.

    There is a great quote by someone that I can’t find right now due to poor memory and googling skills, apparently, but to paraphrase, it’s like “I find it very convenient that when it comes to those who claim to know god’s will, it usually exactly coincides with their own wants/beliefs/ideologies.” You’re so right to be calling this out as bullshit!

    I hope you encounter no more of that nonsense. There is nothing at all wrong with wondering, questioning, and wishing that you could have both your son and your child-to-be. Sending you so much love.

    • Anna April 30, 2013 at 6:13 pm #

      I think you really hit the nail on the head with this comment. I read a book which I can’t remember the name of now but basically part of the book said is that you can’t believe that these bad things are being done by God to “punish” you because a loving God wouldn’t punish you by killing a baby or loved one. It’s a twisted kind of logic. While I didn’t agree with many things in that book, that one thing stood out to me. Why would God kill a living thing because it’s “meant to be” for me to have an adopted child. Makes no sense!

  12. Erin April 29, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

    People saying crap like that is why Im not a huge fan of religion. Id rather believe in bad luck than a “loving” god who pulls crap like that.

    • Anna April 30, 2013 at 6:13 pm #

      Me too. Bad luck is something everyone has to deal with at any rate. Not just the “non chosen” ones.

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