I’m no good for pregnant people

1 May

I have a lot of people on my reader now that are pregnant. I find myself reading along but rarely commenting on their blogs.  It’s not that I’m jealous or that it hurts.  These people are part of my tribe.  I’m happy for them.  Sure, I wish I could be pregnant. Sure, I wish my baby was alive. But I don’t hurt thinking about their pregnancies like I do with other people.

It’s just I’m no good for them.  They hit milestones and feel happy about them.  I feel like every comment I leave on their blog reminds them that I hit that same milestone and didn’t come home with a baby.  I don’t want to do that to them.  I don’t want to be the reminder of what went wrong.

I find it difficult commiserating with them about cramps/bleeding.  I can tell them that I had all those things and was miserable and scared and it all turned out okay.  It did turn out okay.  My cramps and bleeding were nothing.  They didn’t contribute to the loss of my baby and had zero to do with my pre-eclampsia. It doesn’t matter though.  How can someone who left the hospital empty-handed  tell someone not to worry about cramps because her baby was okay?

As people approach 22 weeks, I fear for them. I worry and worry as if pre-eclampsia is contagious and just by knowing me it might be an issue.  Someone posted a 22 week pregnancy photo and I realized that I was inspecting the picture to see if her ankles were swollen.  And if they were?  What would I have done?  “I’ve been inspecting your photos.  You look like you have cankles.  How’s your blood pressure?”  That’s insanity.

I’m no good for pregnant people.  I make their pregnancy all about me and all about my fears.  Maybe it’s best that I stay away.


12 Responses to “I’m no good for pregnant people”

  1. Lisa May 1, 2013 at 12:03 pm #

    I feel like this all of the time. My son was born at full term. I had a relatively normal pregnancy, though I was very sick throughout. He wasn’t stillborn. He was not sick as far as we know. But he had a complicated birth. And then three days later he died because of that.

    I feel like the big reminder that actually – you can make it through an entire pregnancy, go through labour, birth a healthy, living baby – and still come home empty handed.

    In my experience babies die. That will always be the first experience I had as a mother. People talk about pregnancy and birth and I want to contribute, because up until the point he was born and didn’t breathe, I was a normal mother with a normal pregnancy.

    I was planning to write a blog post about a similar thing myself.

    But don’t forget, the people who’s blogs you follow have been through loss themselves a lot of the time I’m sure. You won’t be the reminder; their own experiences will be that reminder.

    • Anna May 1, 2013 at 6:46 pm #

      That’s true. I still feel that after they get past the points of their loss anniversaries etc, I’m still a reminder. (Again making it all about me.) I almost feel ridiculous participating in these conversations because I feel like who wants to hear about the story that they know ends badly?

  2. Detour May 1, 2013 at 12:22 pm #

    I run into similar issues with people talking about early pregnancy. Yeah, being super nauseated does not mean you’re safe from miscarriage. Sorry. So what do I say? It’s impossible to comment without bringing your own experiences into the story.

    • Anna May 1, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

      Exactly. Even when I do comment, I feel like I’m making an excuse for why my baby died. Like oh yeah my morning sickness wasn’t why he died so don’t worry about that. So I remind them even if I forgot!

  3. FCblacksheep May 1, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

    Bollocks. You are not bad for pregnant women. You are a true example of the strength that exists inside us that we never knew we had, the person who came out the other side, the woman who makes us shake our head and say “I don’t think I could be as strong.” You are the best thing that happened to a pregnant woman. If one day her world turns upside down, she’ll remember your story and that alone will offer strength. The girls who have successful pregnancies and healthy babies? It won’t matter if they worried a little more. But that other girl with a story that didn’t turn out well, she won’t be standing alone with you by her side.

    • chon May 2, 2013 at 6:56 am #

      I wish you knew how much I admire you. You are excellent for pregnant people and parenting. You didn’t desert me once even after your pregnancy tragically ended. You have strength, maturity and grace that others could learn from.

      I understand what you are saying but trust me when I say you are still valued and appreciated so much x

      • Anna May 2, 2013 at 6:09 pm #

        And now I’m crying again after I just stopped crying after reading Toni’s comment. xo

      • Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse May 6, 2013 at 9:24 am #

        I echo the sentiments of FCblacksheep and Chon … whenever you’ve commented on my posts, I’ve never had the thoughts that you fear. Instead I’ve appreciated your support and admired your strength and wished so very much that your own story had had a different ending.

        • Anna May 6, 2013 at 10:00 am #

          Thank you… I’m so glad that you feel that way.

    • Anna May 2, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

      You just made me cry. xo

  4. Mo May 2, 2013 at 4:10 am #

    I could write every single word here.

    • Anna May 2, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

      Hugs to you. I’m glad you’re back to your blog. I’ve missed you. xo

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