The big three-five

7 May

I’m turning thirty-five this year.  How did this happen?  Didn’t I just graduate college, get my master’s, and get married? How has almost ten years passed since my wedding day?

I know I shouldn’t harp on “what was supposed to be” because it doesn’t change anything.  It doesn’t matter what it was supposed to be like because it is what it is.  It is what it is.  It’s my least favorite saying in the world.  It means life sucks, so suck it up, buttercup, and get used to it.

I started trying to get pregnant in 2007.  If I had gotten pregnant that first month, that baby would be turning five right now.  I would have a five-year old running around.  I would be planning a fifth birthday and enrolling a child into kindergarten.   And that’s just if we had gotten pregnant on that first official try.  Before then, we weren’t really preventing so I could really have an older child even.  I could have three kids by now.

I’m turning thirty-five and driving a Corolla because there is no need for a bigger car.  I’m turning thirty-five and putting my dog and cat on my Christmas cards.  I’m turning thirty-five and some days I feel hopeless, overwhelmed and lost and can’t control my anxiety.

I’m turning thirty-five and this is not the way it was supposed to be.

Advertisements

17 Responses to “The big three-five”

  1. Wannabemom May 7, 2013 at 8:45 pm #

    I’ll be 35 in June too. I’ve been at this TTC since 2009. I could have wrote this post.

    • Anna May 8, 2013 at 8:01 pm #

      Mine is in November. I know it’s still a ways away but it feels too close and makes me fly into a panic.

  2. SM May 7, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

    I’ll turn 34 in 5 days. I haven’t written about it because I have such conflicting emotions. On the one hand we are closer to parenthood than we have ever been but on the other hand I’m sad that I’m not even remotely where I wanted to be when I was starting all of this. We started TTC in 2007 too. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending hugs your way.

    • Anna May 8, 2013 at 8:02 pm #

      I know – it’s nothing like you planned so even though you’re happy you are where you are, it’s still hard not to regret what could have been.

  3. chon May 8, 2013 at 5:38 am #

    It’s the big one isn’t it like the I’m closer to 40 thank 30 one. Ugh. Yeah mine was in march.

    There’s not a lot to say other than sometimes it just fucking sucks but surely it’s got to get better xxx

    • Anna May 8, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

      Ugh, not only is it closer to 40 but now I’m going to have check a different box in surveys when they ask my age!!

  4. Kristina May 8, 2013 at 7:38 am #

    I know exactly how you feel. I think about if I had had a child with my first husband he or she would be 21 this year. My husband that Im married to now got a vasectomy reversal 7 years ago and we are still hoping at age 45. Don’t give up hope. Miracles happen everyday. God bless

    • Anna May 8, 2013 at 8:14 pm #

      It’s hard not to count those years that should have been.

  5. brooke May 8, 2013 at 9:51 am #

    Birthdays are hard because they really force you to consider what might have been or should have been.

    • Anna May 8, 2013 at 8:14 pm #

      They do. It’s like every year this day forces a mandatory assessment of your life.

  6. Detour May 8, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

    “I’m turning thirty-five and this is not the way it was supposed to be.”

    Preach. I turned 36 this year and cannot believe this is my life! And to your driving a Corolla–I drive a Civic. I want to be driving a minivan and I drive a Civic.

    • Anna May 8, 2013 at 8:15 pm #

      Seriously. I’m jealous of my friend’s minivan. What the hell?

  7. Robin May 9, 2013 at 10:17 am #

    Your comment about driving a Corolla really hit home. We were planning on replacing my car sometime this year with something bigger because we were supposed to have a baby. Then, after Miles died, we instead replaced my husband’s car, and we bought a Jetta. A tiny, tiny Jetta.

    Chin up, girl. I have faith that you’ll have a baby in that home in no time (even if you don’t at the moment).

    • Anna May 9, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

      Thanks, I hope so. And then I’m gonna buy a bigger car. And hell even if I don’t, I’ll get that seat into the Corolla. 🙂

  8. FCblacksheep May 9, 2013 at 9:07 pm #

    Here’s to you turning 40, driving a minivan, exhausted from chasing after a preschooler and sending out the best damn child Christmas cards anybody has ever seen. After all, 30 is the new 40.

    • Anna May 10, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

      I hope that you mean 40 is the new 30? Otherwise, that’s sad. 😉

      • FCblacksheep May 10, 2013 at 8:52 pm #

        ha ha! yes, yes. That is what I meant.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: