I used to be a doer

9 May

I used to have energy.  I had to do lists.  I would stay up in the middle of the night and organize my closet (by season, then by type of clothing, then by color).  I woke up at 5 and went to bed at 1.  I didn’t need sleep.  I just had boundless energy.  I would sleep til noon on weekends and yet my days still seemed endless and I filled them with so much.  Now, if I sleep til noon, I just decide that my day is over and waste because I didn’t start where I thought I was supposed to start.

These supposed-to-be’s are killing me here.  If things don’t turn out how they were supposed to, I get frustrated and give up.  Then I hope to start again at some later date with a clean slate.  This ruins Saturdays and weeks and months and years.

I started this blog at the very end of December in 2009.  It was not an infertility blog.  I didn’t even realize that world existed yet.  I started this blog because I was convinced that my baby was around the corner and so I needed to get my shit together.  I needed to get myself ready.  It was my clean slate.  I was going to clear away those supposed-to-be’s and make way for what was.  And somehow, I’m still here asking the same questions and writing the same blog posts.

I feel like I’m stuck in this circle of nothing.  I’m frozen.  What am I hoping for here?  Am I hoping that once I have a baby, my life will go back to what it was? That’s a lot of pressure to put on a little baby.  It’s especially a lot of pressure since babies are known agents of chaos.

There is the perfect version of me in my head and I’m not sure if she is real or not.  I just feel like I used to be this other person and I’m not sure when I changed  and I’m not sure how to get her back.

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4 Responses to “I used to be a doer”

  1. FCblacksheep May 9, 2013 at 9:01 pm #

    Personally, she sounds exhausting. This woman that you are now, everything you’ve been through, this is the person who will be an excellent mother. And in four years from now, you’ll be a whole other woman, looking back on it all. There are more perfect things ahead, even if the you doing them isn’t.

    p.s. Up at 5 and in bed at 1? Girl, you were out of your mind. I always had this joke that I wasn’t a morning person, nor a night person. My window of opportunity was in the afternoon between the hours of 2 and 6. That’s where I shone.

    • Anna May 10, 2013 at 6:14 pm #

      I guess you’re right. She does sound exhausting. How was I like that? And yeah, I did not require a lot of sleep. Now if I get anything less than 7 hours, I’m a mess and 8 hours is really what I need to be normal.

  2. brooke May 10, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

    This makes me think of this thing I heard on NPR yesterday about women who were freezing their eggs. The author of a book about this said that she found many women discovered that the process gave them clarity, focus, and energy. So much of that had been spent fretting–Would they ever meet someone? Would they ever get married? Would they ever have a baby?–and now that they’d taken specific and direct action to make sure that could happen, knowing that it didn’t need to happen right NOW, they discovered that they felt such a huge sense of relief and it kicked them into gear–now they had the time and energy to start dating, to take risks, to focus on their careers.

    It’s the not knowing combined with the sense of time ticking away that reduces us from capable, competent, energetic women to weepy puddles of goo. I wish I had a solution for you, but I think simply being aware of WHY you feel the way you do can help to combat it. I felt the exact same way when I was TTC–everything else fell away and I felt sure I didn’t have the time or strength to do anything but worry about how/when I would get pregnant. It’s miserable. And I needed to go to therapy to keep myself together. I had lots of little short cuts–lists I could proactively check off as I completed them, new planners that would help me feel organized, distractions in the form of redecorating my house, planning vacations, and taking care of pets. But there’s no replacing what our hearts truly long for, and it’s really hard to find anything else to care about when our greatest wish is denied for no damn reason.

    Sending you much love and light. And a good night’s sleep. That really does help, too.

    • Anna May 10, 2013 at 6:17 pm #

      Oh my God. This.

      “It’s the not knowing combined with the sense of time ticking away that reduces us from capable, competent, energetic women to weepy puddles of goo.”

      Seriously. You could not have phrased that more perfectly.

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