14 May

Back in October of 2011, Allie Brosh at Hyperbole and a Half wrote an amazing post about depression.  Did all of you read it?  She very recently posted a follow-up to that depression post and it was also amazing.  It made me cry so hard because it reminded me so much of things I felt and it was so true and so right and so dead on, even though I didn’t experience all the things that she did.

In her first depression post, there is this one part where she is yelling at herself for crying.  She asks herself why she’s crying because people have diseases and are dying and all that’s happened to her is that she tore the spout on her chocolate milk.  But that’s the thing about depression.  There’s no logic.  It doesn’t matter what’s going on with you or with other people, it hurts.  She also thinks, “maybe I’ll go outside today” and then decides she can’t because she hates herself too much.  It sounds insane, but it’s true.  You just kind of give up.  It doesn’t matter that you logically know that you should do something. You just can’t.

In her second post, she talks about people trying to help her but them not understand and offering the wrong kinds of solutions.  And finally, she talks about being suicidal.  The most real part is where she writes: “No, see I don’t necessarily want to kill myself.  I just want to become dead somehow.”  Oh. Wow.  How I can relate.  I never wanted to commit suicide.  That was too active.  It would hurt too many people.  Instead, I just wanted to not wake up.  Every night I would cry and pray and pray that God would just let me die so I didn’t have to bear the grief anymore.   She says there’s no good way you can tell someone you’re suicidal.  I completely agree.  I couldn’t even tell my husband.  Any time I hinted at it, it upset him so much.  I didn’t want to break his heart. I wanted help. I couldn’t ask for help without breaking his heart though.

Eventually, those feelings passed for me.  With the help of meds and therapy and support groups and friends and a new job, I felt more in control of my life and I started to feel better.  There was no defining moment for me.  There was nothing that marked the change from depressed to less depressed.  One day was just a little less horrible than the next.  Reading her posts makes me realize how far I’ve come.  They make me relive those feelings and I am so grateful that I’m no longer in that place.


4 Responses to “Depression”

  1. Alicia May 15, 2013 at 11:33 am #

    I’m grateful you’re no longer in that place too. Hugs.

  2. Paula May 15, 2013 at 4:44 pm #

    I’m glad you have came out of the other end. Those Hyperbole posts are amazing. Although I’ve never been officially depressed, I have felt near to it at a lot of points and can totally identify with that feeling. I think the posts also help me empathise with those close to me who DO suffer from depression.

    • Anna May 15, 2013 at 4:48 pm #

      I agree that those posts are amazing. I’ve always liked her stuff but those posts are just so perfect.

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