Waiting

24 Nov

What is there to say about waiting?  Very little it would seem.

Some days I forget that I’m waiting at all.  It feels as though this is my life now and always will be.  I go to work, I eat, I see friends and family and I sleep.  This is my life.  I’m 35. I have no children.  This is how it will be. There is little to nothing to say about that.

Some days all I can think about is the fact that I am waiting. I long for a child of my own. I can’t walk two steps without being confronted by my infertility. Pregnant women in Target. Ultrasound photos on Facebook.  A little girl on a train platform playing “I Spy” tells her mom that she spies ” a mommy” while looking right at me.  That little girl can’t imagine that a woman my age wouldn’t be a mommy.  I want to tell her she’s right.  I am a mommy. I don’t, though.  You can’t just go up to a little girl and tell her all about your dead baby.  I’m pretty sure that’s the type of thing that jeopardizes adoptions.  So, it would appear there’s little to say about that, too.

Most days, if I was honest and sat down to type out my thoughts, all I would type is: baby, baby, baby, please God, send me a baby. Over and over and over again.

I have no idea what kind of wait we are in for.  Is the mother of my child even pregnant yet?  There is no way to know. Will it happen in a week, a month, a year, maybe more?  There is no way to tell.

Will it even happen?  There is no guarantee.  People say there is with adoption but I know better.  There are no guarantees in this life.  I can hope for a happy ending but there is no guarantee of one. I hear happy stories but I hear sad and scary ones too.  I hear stories that break my heart and make me fear the pain that could be ahead.

Still, we hope.  We hope for the happy ending.  We hope for peace during the wait. We do so quietly, because most days it feels like there’s very little to be said about that.

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8 Responses to “Waiting”

  1. bora November 24, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

    I’m also 35 and childless. Married for 10 years and TTC for about 7. I feel your pain and I’m so very sorry.

    Thank you for sharing, and keep on hoping. Hope is all we have. (:

    • Anna December 3, 2013 at 6:46 pm #

      Very true. All you can do is keep hoping for the happy ending!

  2. missconception November 25, 2013 at 12:25 am #

    Waiting is so freaking hard. Especially when you have nothing left to keep you busy and productive in reaching your goal. I can imagine how you feel. Maybe you can try some new things to get your mind occasionally on something else. Like a yoga class or wine tasting… I know kinda lame but its something.

    • Anna December 3, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

      Staying busy is definitely key! I feel like my anxiety is being ramped up in general because of the anxiety of this wait so I need to do things to keep my mind off it.

  3. Constant November 27, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

    Hi Anna, it’s Alicia from queenoftheslipstream.

    Hugs. She did spy a mommy. A mommy with so many happy moments to come.

    • Anna December 3, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

      Thank you for saying that…. xo. And I’m glad you stopped by – I was happy to find you in your new spot!

  4. Missing Noah December 6, 2013 at 7:54 pm #

    I’m new to your blog and just wanted to say that this post is really powerful. I know what you mean, some days I function, and some days the loss of my son is all I can think about.

  5. Rhonda December 19, 2013 at 12:35 am #

    I hear you.

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