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10 Jun

Do you ever have just an unbelievably awkward experience where your brain just totally fails you?

I tried to walk into the bathroom at work.  This particular door swings into the bathroom to open.  There was a woman walking out at the same time.   She stepped back, which I took to be an indication that she was letting me in before exiting.  I was a little startled since I had just done that thing where you start to push in on the door and all of a sudden, it flies open much faster than you expect because someone else is pulling it.  But you have no idea that someone else is pulling it because your brain hasn’t made the connection yet and so you’re shocked that you are so powerful as to push the door wide open with so little exertion.

So, I realize that she is stepping back to let me in and I start to walk forward.  It’s too late though because she took my startled hesitation as a sign that I was waiting for her to step out.  So we’re both walking towards each other.  We pause, step back and then step forward again at the same time.  Except this time I don’t pause after that second step forward.  Something in my brain disconnects and I process the part where she steps back but not the part where she steps forward.  So we are both walking forward pretty much about the slam into each other.  She stops and I keep plowing forward.  She looked a little shocked and I said, “oh my gosh, excuse me.”  BUT I KEPT WALKING FORWARD.  So I pretty much ran this lady over, apologized while doing it and KEPT GOING.

It’s like my brain stopped working entirely.  I lost all sense of decorum.  No, wait.  I didn’t lose all sense of decorum.  I knew enough to apologize for what I was doing.  I just didn’t know enough to stop doing it.  She made a comment where she apologized like it was her fault.  I got the sense though that she was saying it in the way where you say, “Oh, excuse me” to someone who is being rude and you want to point it out to them in a passive-aggressive way.  I can’t really fault her for that.  I didn’t really need it pointed it out to me, though.  I knew I was being rude.  I just couldn’t stop my body.

I’m so grateful no one else was in the bathroom once I finally got in there.  Since I promptly walked into a stall, closed the door and said out loud, “What the fuck was that?” and then started laughing hysterically at my own stupidity.


Things that are making me smile right now

12 Feb

I’m having the kind of day where I’m having flashbacks to things that happened in the hospital when I was losing the baby.  These days are tough because no matter how hard I try, I cannot drive these thoughts from my head.  I can’t turn them off so the most I can do is try to distract myself for a few minutes at a time.  Here are somethings that are working today.

Thing number one: Maya Rudolph singing Home (the Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes one, not the Phillip Phillips ones) with Paul F. Tompkins.  I love this song and this entire video just made me smile and clicked replay immediately.


Thing number two: The Disney animated short Paperman.  I’m a sucker for a cartoon love story.


Thing number three: Things Fitting Perfectly Into Other Things. A Tumblr of things fitting perfectly into unrelated objects.  It is oddly entrancing and I can’t stop looking.

Thing number four: This happening on the New Girl.  If you  haven’t seen the last two episodes, do not click on that link.

Thing number five: The fact that The Leftovers is being developed into a tv show by HBO by Damon Lindelof.

Hoping maybe one of those things on that list makes someone out there smile too.


21 Nov

I hate to be a grinch (or whatever the Thanksgiving equivalent of a grinch is) but I’m not feeling very thankful this year.  Despite the fact that I have things to be thankful for (my family, my friends, my pets, my health, a good job, my new iPad that my husband bought me for my birthday) I am feeling crabby and ungrateful for these wonderful things.  I’m focusing on the negative instead of accentuating the positive.  I need to get out of my funk.  In the meantime, here are two videos that made me smile despite my funk.

In this first video, this couple elopes to Paris and their friend films their trip and wedding and made this amazing video.  It made me wish I had done something similar.  And it made me want a pair of nude pumps since my dog chewed my last pair.


This second video just made me feel happy about people.  There are good people in this world.  Even if I was confused about what the heck they were doing for the first half of the video.


Hope those put a put a smile on your face like they put one on mine.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all. xo

Random thoughts bouncing around my head

1 Oct
  • There are still gentlemen left in this world.  My new job has several different companies in the same building so there are many people I don’t know.  These guys hold the door open for me,  let me get on and off the elevator first and step aside to let me pass in the hallway.  It’s so refreshing to know that there are still nice people out there. 
  • I was really excited that the new television season is starting but I’ve been disappointed by some series premieres.  I’m looking at you, Once Upon a Time, Revenge and Fringe.  Hoping the second episodes get more exciting.
  • I think there is a second pregnant woman at work.  I only work with like twenty-five people now.  Do pregnant women follow me everywhere?  I am like a magnet for them!
  • I have been torturing myself by reading old emails from last year right after the loss.  I’m not sure why I do this to myself.  It just makes me upset to see how raw my emotions were at that time.  I can’t stop myself though.  It’s like I’m being pulled towards them.
  • Time is flying.  Someone just posted about their child’s second birthday on Facebook.  I remember being crushed reading their pregnancy announcement.  That means that over two years ago, I was at the point where I was heartbroken by other people’s pregnancies.  It breaks my heart to know that there could be a four-year old running around my house if we were a regular fertile couple.
  • I am SHOCKED at my ability to turn a random thought post into a baby obsessive post.  So with that I’m signing off for the night.

Day 3 and counting

28 Jun

Last Friday was my last day at my job.  It was happier and still harder than I thought it would be.  When I left my last job, I had been laid off from a job I loved.  When I walked out that door and shut off the lights, I felt so sad and nostalgic.  Turning in my badge and laptop on Friday, all I felt was a desire to get to happy hour.

Happy hour was great but complicated. A coworker and I became close friends when I started working at this company.  I thought she had become one of my closest friends.  She was one of the few people I was in touch with when I was losing my baby.  Recently, we started working on a project together and she backed off and we weren’t as close.  We kept drifting further and further and she was very cold to me when she saw me. I didn’t know what I had done but I figured it was her loss.  The day I gave notice, I tried to find her to tell her in person but she wasn’t available. She wasn’t available the next day either so I texted her knowing that she had already heard.  Our “conversation” seemed normal but then we didn’t really speak again after that.  On my last day, she came over to my desk to get some paperwork and said she wasn’t sure she’d be able to make it to happy hour.  I said that was ok and that seemed to be the end.

Except that it wasn’t.  She did show up at happy hour but I didn’t see her for the first twenty minutes she was here.  Then I looked over to my left for a minute and realized that down further at the bar was a group of people from my company.  There was another party separating our groups.  Their group was smaller and included a former coworker.  When she got to the bar someone told her where I was standing.  She opted to go to their group instead.  Then she walked over to me on her way out and said (and I quote), “Hello and goodbye.  Good luck.”  Um, thanks?

So then I promptly bitched about for it for fifteen minutes.  Until my friend said, “Who cares?  Why are you complaining about her instead of enjoying your time with all the people who are here for you?”  I realized she was right.  I tend to focus on the negative and not enjoy the positive.  I was complaining about four people on the other side of the bar instead of enjoying myself with the twenty plus people on my side of the bar celebrating my new job.  So I turned my attitude around and enjoyed the rest of the night.

I started my new job on Tuesday.  As of day three, I’m not ready to run away screaming which is a vast change from day three at my last job. I’m trying to maintain my positive attitude and focus on the positive.  That’s hard when I’m scared out of my mind!  I think I’m going to like it here.  It’s a very small company but the people are nice.  My job is going to be a huge change from what I’ve been doing for the past twelve years.  There will be a lot I have to learn and I’m terrified of letting people down.  I’m choosing to believe that they would not have chosen me if I didn’t have the right background and whatever I don’t know I can learn.

Sometime the universe hears you

30 May

I was watching tv and the commercial started.  No Sarah McLachlan music this time.  Just a picture of a sad puppy and the beginning of the ASPCA commercial.  Of course, I couldn’t turn away.  I was prepared to watch and sob.  My lower lip even started wobbling a bit.

Then bam, it was gone. Replaced by a commercial for some kitchen design show.  Right as I was about to launch into a sobfest.

Sometimes the universe does give you what you need.

Not a true representation

29 May

I feel like every post I write on here is so sad.  It’s not a true representation of my life though. I tend to come here when I have something to say.  When I’ve been mulling something over in my head.  And the truth of the matter is that I mull over the sad things far longer than I mull over the happy things.  The happy things just kind of fade into the background but the sad things – they stay and they worm their way into my head and into my heart and make a home until I don’t remember the happy anymore.

But there is happy.  I had a job interview that went really well. As in, they are calling my references. As in, the interview wrapped up with the mention of when to expect an offer.  As in, we just have to clear this with the higher-ups.  So it’s like a 75% sure thing, I’d say.

Also, I’ve been doing a lot of baking.  It’s been so fun and I’ve been trying riskier things.  Like strawberry cupcakes with swiss meringue buttercream and this crazy seven sins chocolate cake and a cake decorated like this rose cake, along with simpler things like white cake with buttercream frosting and tiramisu cupcakes. It’s been fun trying new things and getting better at decorating.  If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d post some pictures.

I went to get a mani/pedi the other day and it was close to closing time.  So they had someone do my manicure while I was getting my pedicure done.  I got a case of the giggles because I felt like such a rich posh lady having both done at the same time.  Not so fancy was my choice of color: beach bum blu by Essie but it felt so summery and fun that I had to try it.  I love it on my toes more than on my fingers but manicures never last long on me so I’m ok with it!

So, I am having good days.  I’m reading good books. I’m making baby steps towards adoption.  I’m going to therapy and support groups.  I’m making plans for the summer.  I’m hoping to ignore the sad and push it out of my heart to make room for the happy.