Work is getting better. It’s still not easy. But there is less crying, more laughing. I still spent most of my day in a daze unable to focus but I’m trying. I’m there. That’s all I can do right now. Hopefully by the end of the week I’ll have some semblance of concentration back. It needs to come back at some point before I get myself fired.
Today was slightly harder because we were joking about leaving for the day at lunch. I said, “well I’ve been gone for five weeks so maybe no one will notice if I’m gone.” This guy who eats lunch with my group of friends at work asked where I had been. I left it vague, that I had been out on disability. He asked what happened, if I didn’t mind him asking. So I had to tell him. I teared up. It was hard. He apologized but I survived. I survived someone not knowing. It would have been harder if he had asked how my pregnancy was going instead of just asking why I was out. But I lived through it.
As I was leaving work, all I could think to myself was, “You are not pregnant. You are not pregnant. You are not having a baby in February.” I know this. I know I lost the baby. But sometimes I have to remind myself. I don’t know if it’s denial. Or just a way that I torture myself or what. Either way, it hurts every time. But I lived through that too.
Every day I think that I can’t possibly get through the day. But I do somehow. I’m hoping that one day the day will come that I just live the day and don’t worry about how to survive it.
Supposed to be my symphony 
That day will come….and maybe even quicker than you expect (which of course causes some guilt)…but that day will certainly come.
I am so with you. I always have to tell myself that I am not pregnant anymore and I won’t be having twins in February. Same as you.
I am trying to tell people ahead of time so they don’t ask about the twins, but it’s so hard to bring it up or keep myself together when I tell them. It sounds like you are slowly finding your way. But boy is it tough.